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Why I'm a Bad Mom - I Might Be An Imposter


Its hard to know how to start this post. Mother's Day is coming up, and that is always a day of conflict for me. I have been mom to my son since we met about three hours after his birth, but somehow I feel like Mother's Day just doesn't apply to me. When I talk to other moms I hear their stories about finding out they were pregnant, cravings they sent their significant others to satisfy, feeling the baby grow and their body change, nerves leading up to the birth, and the joy of meeting someone they had already known for months but could only feel and now finally see. I have stories of paperwork, meetings, evaluations, and long periods of uncertainty. Meeting my son was amazing, but in Texas, finalization can't happen in less than 6 months after placement, so there was worry mixed with all the fun of milestones.

What I've recently been able to admit to myself, is that what I feel keeps me from the mom club is how much information I'm not willing to share. I do not like to talk about my son's birthmother to anyone. Don't misunderstand, she is a great person and I will always have a ton of love and respect for her. The thing is that I don't think she is my story to tell. I don't even like to share too much about my son on this blog, because I don't ever want to create a box he feels he needs to fit in to as he grows and his personality develops. I think the best way to put it was in Brene Brown's Netflix special when she said, "Your story is a privilege to hear, you share it with those who have earned the right to hear it." I am surrounded by privileges, my son does not share all of them, so the last thing I want to do is to take one of his away from him.

I've been thinking about how much I share about my son because there was recently some drama in a Facebook group I'm a member of. The short version, is that a mom by adoption wanted approval from the adoptee community to publish a book about her kids, even though they aren't old enough to really consent to such a thing. The people in the group felt that she should not share their stories because they may get to a point where they don't want their information out there so publicly. I worried that I'm doing the same thing, and I'm still very open to feedback on this topic (adoptee voices specifically).

My concern over telling the little guy's story is so strong I've even considered deleting this blog and removing all of its content. But when I look back, I feel that I'm not telling his story, I'm telling mine. This blog is about my adventures in momming, with occasional details about my guy, but I have no intention of posting direct pictures of his face here, and I won't say his name. His story is his to tell in his own time, in whatever way he chooses, and to whom ever he chooses. Some day he may even want to weigh in on my bad mom status, and I'm sure it will be entertaining beyond belief.

So all that being said, I'm going to kick back and enjoy my Mother's Day this Sunday. I'll probably convince my guys to take me for breakfast, and I'll do my best to get a snuggle or two out of the short man (I'll probably even bribe him with a movie or tablet time to get it). I will be wishing a good day to all the mothers, birth moms, want to be moms, step moms, and anyone who is a mom in any way, shape, or form.

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